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Christmas is so near you can almost smell reindeer droppings in the air and that means it’s time to unwrap some funny Christmas quotes and yuletide sayings. My list of funny Christmas quotes include ones from comedians Joan Rivers, George Carlin and Benny Hill. And there’s some great yuletide sayings too, including Christmas gems from Bing Crosby and Charlton Heston.

Funny Christmas Quotes and Yuletide Sayings

Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us… a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird… a social being… capable of actual affection… nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family – Berkeley Breathed

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C.  This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin – Jay Leno

Roses are reddish…Violets are bluish….If it weren’t for Christmas
….We’d all be Jewish – Benny Hill

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air – W.T.Ellis

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included – Bernard Manning

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree….the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other – Burton Hills

He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree – Roy L. Smith

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it – Katharine Whitehorn

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present – Anonymous

The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband – Joan Rivers

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live – George Carlin

Unless we make Christmas an occasion to share our
blessings, all the snow in Alaska won’t make it ‘white’ – Bing Crosby

Remember, if Christmas isn’t found in your heart, you won’t find it under a tree – Charlotte Carpenter

Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit – Kin Hubbard

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money – Anonymous

My first copies of Treasure Island and Huckleberry Finn still have some blue-spruce needles scattered in the pages. They smell of Christmas still – Charlton Heston

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year – Victor Borge

You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger – Robert Paul

A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to one and all from myself and Great Life Quotes and Famous Sayings.

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